When I am almost awake, floating between awake and asleep, is when anxiety tends to make its presence known; when I am not conscious enough to rationalize the fear away. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I have odd dreams, and wake up in an anxious panic that only subsides when I have woken up enough to think rationally about my nerves.
I woke up in such a state on Saturday morning. It was January 1st, and a departure date of the 6th seemed so close. My time in Mexico seemed for the first time scary and overwhelming and filled with so many unknowns. When I was finally conscious enough to reason through what was causing my anxiety, I wondered if I was going to feel like this every day until we arrived; with the pit in my stomach becoming increasingly larger with each passing day until we finally pulled up in front of the Casa Hogar.
I got up and read my Bible, and the anxiety diminished greatly as I went about my day. But I knew that I was nervous, and that I had experienced such an emotion had left me a little rattled.
We had friends over most of the afternoon, and I spent time socializing, packing, and cleaning. After dinner, my neighbor Jo stopped by, bringing her infant daughter with her. Once a week for the past several months, I have hopped up the stairs to Jo’s house to watch Glee with her. But more often than not, we end up pausing in the middle of the episode to talk for a bit.
Amid chatting with the others in the house, and watching the little ones play, Jo turned to me and asked me how I felt about leaving, and I admitted that I was feeling a little nervous.
“I like that feeling,” Jo said, “It means something’s coming. You don’t feel like that all the time, just when something exciting is going to happen, and when things are going to change.” She explained.
I’m still thinking about her statement, and I haven’t felt too nervous since.
~Natalia
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