I recently told God that it would be much easier if He would just come out and straight up tell me when I’m doing something right, and when I should choose a different option. It would be so much easier, I told Him, if You could just say “yes” when it’s yes, and “no” when it’s no.
And then He said, what about trusting me?
Not just trusting Him that there is a right answer, but that He will show me the right answer. I have no trouble believing that He knows His stuff, and that He has everything that looks so big from down here completely under control. What I struggle with more is the concept of how the heck I’m supposed to know what He wants me to do.
I had a little trouble coming off of spring break and fighting the feeling that I’m just swirling around aimlessly in this Moody student life. But, over the days and weeks since I wrote about feeling so swimmy, my life has fallen into place a little more. I feel comfortable, settled in many areas of my life. I like school and work and relationships and life and I’m content.
But I can’t escape the lurking feeling that I should be doing more.
Because there is a paper-chain countdown draped over my neighbor’s door, and the days until school is over are decreasing rapidly.
Because there are relationships here that will change when we pack up and leave for the summer. Changing does not necessarily mean worsening, or ending, but it does mean growing, and loving, and missing deeply.
And I’ve fought to keep my heart in the now, and not get wrapped up in what happens next, what comes after, how things will be different. I’ve thought about that, I’ve struggled with that.
But I’m not thinking about this fall, about returning to a school, a floor, that is different, oh so different, from the one I will leave in five weeks’ time.
I’m thinking about now. I want to know what God wants me to do now. I want to know how to keep developing friendships, right up to the day when we wheel our suitcases and bins down the elevator and off campus. I want to honor Him with my time, even as the number of projects left in the semester dwindles rapidly. I want to grow, I want to love, I want to honor Him.
I just wish there was an easy way to know exactly what He wants me to do.