Every time I’ve thought about blogging since I left school on Saturday afternoon has left me confused and scattered. It would seem that the removal of the structure of school from my life has altered far more than the time of my alarm clock. Without the perpetual to-do list of homework, assignments, and projects, I’ve been feeling rather aimless for the past couple of days.
Nevermind that I’ve been helping care for the two little princesses that I call my sisters, working around the house, unpacking a years’ worth of possessions, and cooking, among a vast list of other things; I’m having a hard time adjusting to the lack of papers, homework, and reading in my life.
I know that this is a unique season, and, just like every other season in one’s life, there will never be another just like it. And I appreciate the unique time, the blessing of three school-free months, but right now I’m having a little trouble seeing the blessing because I’m so caught up with what I’m supposed to do with the blessing.
I’m petrified that I will somehow waste the precious gift of these three months. Scared that August 20th will arrive, I’ll look back over the sum of my summer, and sigh in resignation; Well, I mean, I guess I did okay. I guess I was intentional enough, more or less. I suppose I glorified God with what I did. I guess.
I’m bound and determined to be intentional, to use my time wisely, to make good decisions and to fellowship purposefully with others.
I want so badly to do all that, I’m just not sure what it looks like.
I was asked recently if I trusted God.
Not if I trusted His judgement, or trusted Him to be Good, or trusted Him to stick by His promises; just if I trusted Him.
I said yes.
And I guess in a way, this is a bit of a test. I’m giving Him back the time that He gave to me, but I’m clearly struggling a bit to trust that He can use the time to His own glory. I’m begging Him to help me be intentional, but stressing myself out worrying that the Great God of intentionality will somehow forget that I need Him.
The first thing I need to be intentional about is trusting God with my words, deeds, actions, and time. Because He’s given me this summer, and He can use it to His glory.