The Mother

6am, I’m the only one awake now. Staying at home for the weekend in order to work at the pool, I share a room with the three little ones. Sisters back to back in their big bed, pink blankets and stuffed animals scattered around them. There’s a toddler bed at the end of their bed; blue sheets, Superman blanket. The little guy’s not in there, though.

He slept there last night. Fell asleep with his Elmo milk cup, dark little hands tucked under his soft cheeks. I heard him when I went to sleep, his breath rattling, shaking. He’s got a cold now, and he coughed and sputtered in his sleep; rubbing his itchy nose in his dreams. I fell asleep in the room, listening to his sleeping breath alternate even, resting, with coughing. But he left the room sometime during the night, and it’s quiet now.

I get up, shuffle across the hall to the bathroom. The old, dark, wooden floor creaks, just in one spot. I hit that spot, accidentally. My backpack, overnight bag, is in the bathroom. I find my pants, step over the creaky floorboard to my closet, flip through dresses, skirts, tops, to my purple work shirt. Brush teeth, hair in a pony tail, bathroom light off.

In the kitchen, I stand against the counter, eat a yogurt. There are five different bottles of vitamins in the cabinet, labeled with black Sharpie. N, mine. G+L, the little girls. T, the mother. I eat two of mine, the gummy ones, in the dim light of the kitchen.

The kitchen window faces a brick wall. Across, offset by two feet, someone’s laundry room looks into our kitchen. Between, there are two cement walkways, a thin strip of green plants between them. It’s the middle of May- spring- even though it’s still chilly, and the sun is rising quickly, casting pale white light onto everything in its path. The flimsy plants glow bland green in the growing light.

My ride will be here soon. I find my pens, shrug into my yellow coat. I’ve only brought flip-flops home, but I’ll be barefoot at the pool, anyway. I step into the living room, past the front door, to glance out the front window. The blinds are closed, though; this couch room, play room, school room, living room has been transformed into a bedroom.

The mother sits in the corner, at the very front of the house, rocking the baby boy. It’s hard to breath lying down when you’re sick, and 3am, she woke up with that little boy, and now they’re both sleeping there in the rocking chair. She’s pulled the special grey blanket- her Christmas present to herself- around them both, and his head is slumped, tired, against her. Sitting up against her, he breathes clear, easy.

Later, in a couple of weeks, the little boy will leave; he’ll return to the mother who gave birth to him. But for now, he sleeps on the blue sheets and he eats out of the Cars bowl in the seat at the end of our table. For now, we love him and teach him and feed him and dress him. And the mother, she gets up at 3am to change him, rock him, love him.

~Natalia

Already Knows

Nights in a row. Swollen cheeks, stiff jaw, hungry but unable to properly chew more than noodle soup. Annoyed at life and grumpy with the general state I found myself in.

I was peeved and frustrated.

Finally, last night, I caved. Dragged my feet all the way back to the bottom bunk I’ve been temporarily relegated to, and opened up my prayer journal.

The nice thing, the wonderful thing, about conversations with God is that, often, eventually, the truth comes out. No matter if I come to Him railing mad, mildly apathetic, or somewhere in between, as the words scrawl longer and longer across the page, somehow, my heart comes out, too.

It took a couple of paragraphs last night.

I told Him about my life. Things He already knew. Things He’s known for forever. But that’s the funny thing about prayer; He’s not figuring out my life. As I write, as I speak, He’s listening intently, but He’s not learning anything new. He’s not taking notes so as to know me better, so as to better plan my life the next time around.

He already knows.

And I’m the one learning here.

I’m the one whose own train of thought teaches me. Lead in and out and around by the very One I’m speaking with, I’m figuring it out. Not all of it; this is not a treasure hunt that unlocks the magical guide to all the secrets of my life, but some.

No, I don’t know it all and never will. But in those conversations, those times spent with Jesus, watching the tangle of my life and heart unwind a little bit, I get a snippet. A glimpse of what’s really going on.

A God-provided glance at what lies beneath sore gums and stiff neck and mild annoyance with everything in front of me.

I’m not asking God to fix the loops, to smooth away the bumps in my life, because that’s not the point. But I am asking Him to help me see; to help me see what’s there, what’s not there, and what He has for me.

And I trust Him to show me

because He already knows.

~Natalia

This is Summer {#63}

20120814-230735.jpg

Took this when I woke;
it’s not the only thing that
I do not recall.

~Natalia

Dear Wisdom Teeth,

I know you’ve never caused me any pain

and I know it’s probably not fair.

Not fair to you that I be knocked out for an hour

so that each and every one of you can be surgically removed.

I know it’s hard for you to think I could just get rid of you like that.

But, that’s the way it is

and in 12 hours from now,

you’ll be gone forever.

I might miss you, but I doubt it.

What I will miss is solid food-

but even then, real food and I will be reunited in a couple of days.

Which is more than can be said for me and you.

~Natalia

Go for Them

During a short phone conversation yesterday, my mother happened to mention that our youngest family member, the Little Larissa, has a cold.

Two hours later, not thirty minutes after joking with someone about my excessive and routine consumption of vitamin C, and the resulting state of good health that I have been blessed with, I felt a faint tickle in my throat.

Twenty-four hours later, my throat is still scratchy, my nose is getting sniffly, and my head hurts a bit. But the head thing might be because it’s almost 1am. Again.

But really though, I’m not suffering. There are people much, much sicker, much more hopeless, much more miserable all across the globe. A slight cold contracted from sharing a bed with a baby sister is a mild concern compared to the hurt, the broken, the dying that is everywhere in this hurt, broken, dying world.

Talking with one of my Africa teammates tonight, he told me he would “go to the prayer closet for that cold”. I believe him and I very much appreciate both his compassion and his prayers. And his words served as a reminder to me. A reminder to go to the prayer closet. Because there’s so much to pray for.

So much that needs the touch of God. So many people desperate for His love, His grace, Him. Yes, go to the prayer closet tonight. And go there for them.

~Natalia

Encouragement and Hope

In the van again, now speeding along the Nairobi highway. They drive on the wrong side of the road in Kenya, and cars, vans, and trucks whiz past my passenger side window.

Eventually, we turn off the high way and begin bumping along a rural dirt road. My arm is propped in the open window, and my chin is resting on my hand. Leaning as I am, it’s easy to raise my hand and wave to people; men, women, and children gazing curiously at a white van containing three mizungus and two Kenyans.

We drive and drive, weaving back and forth across the road to avoid the deepest potholes and the widest ditches. Motorcycles and bikes zip past us, and we all maneuver our way through the occasional flock of sheep or cows that meander across the road.

We once again turn off the road, this time onto an even smaller path, meant more for bikes than anything bigger. From next to me, a national volunteer calls out directions to our leader, chuckling gleefully as she teases him about forgetting where we are going.

And then we’re pulling into the open space in front of a small mud hut. The outsides of the building are smoothed over with dark brown mud, and a tin roof sits easily on top of the whole structure.

We grab our Bibles and a bag of food and scramble down from the van.

It takes a moment for our eyes to adjust, and then we can make out the inside of the house. Three chairs, a low-slung couch, a little table in the middle of it all. Sitting in the middle of the couch is a small woman, a plastic baggy containing her medications and a cup of water propped on the couch next to her.

We shake hands, exchanging greetings in English, Swahili, Luo, and then take our places. Our leader checks in with her about her medications; How are you feeling? Are you taking the pills? Have you been to the clinic?

And then, business accomplished, I brought you some visitors. He glances over at Anna and I, maybe they will introduce themselves. It’s short and we take turns; I’m Natalie. I go to school in Chicago. The woman on the couch nods in understanding as our translator (who also functions as our GPS) explains what we are saying. Then, at our leader’s encouragement, we open up our Bibles to share.

This is why we’re here. To share. To encourage. To build up. To walk alongside.

Anna reads from Isaiah, and then we sit quietly while the translator reads the passage over again, this time in Luo. A couple more encouraging words, an explanation, a question answered, and then we bow our heads. It’s my turn to pray.

Pray for health, thank God for healing already accomplished. Ask for mercy, thank Him for grace. Beg for wisdom, thank Him for provision, family, support, encouragement.

And then, Amen, and we must be going. Shake hands, God Bless You, God Bless You, and back out into the hot sun. Back into the van, back to the road, to another visit, another individual, another encouragement, because the Word of God is encouragement and hope to them, and encouragement and hope to us.

~Natalia

Moody Expected

Occasionally, people ask me how actually living at Moody compares to my expectations of living at Moody. This question tends to stump me. You would think that the eight years that elapsed between deciding to attend Moody and actually arriving on this campus would have resulted in at least one or two major expectations. Alas, every time I am faced with that fateful question, I shrug, hem and haw a bit, and then sidestep the whole issue with the conveniently elusive and noncommittal

“Well, I’m not sure if I had any expectations, really.”

Which, as you can probably imagine, is not entirely true. I did have a handful of preconceived notions regarding what it would be like to work, play, eat, sleep as a Moody student. These preconceptions are based almost completely on off-hand comments and remarks made by previous Moody students, and are as follows:

Preconception #1: Sickness passes rapidly amongst human beings living in dormitory settings, and if the girl across the hall seven doors down has a cough, you’re probably going to contract influenza.

Truth: This belief was based on a story my 5th grade AWANA leader (then a Moody student and my idol) related about her entire floor (which, coincidentally, is the same floor I currently live on) being struck with the stomach flu at the same time. I can still picture her recounting this tale nonchalantly as wide-eyed young girls surrounded her, hanging on her every gruesome word. And yes, by nature of the fact that people who live with each other do occasionally breathe the same air, it is true that illnesses can pass from one of us to others. But thus far in my Moody career, I have yet to witness an entire floor wiped out by the same bug at the same time.

Preconception #2: Classes are ridiculously hard and your little brain is going to be working overtime trying to keep track of everything you’re learning.

Truth: I am unsure where I collected this little gem of a foreboding expectation, but I arrived on campus last fall literally ready to suffer brain cramps from the overload of learning that was sure to be heaped upon me. Now, please keep in mind that I am two semesters into an eight-semester-long Moody career. I have yet to experience much. I am a mere padawan. However, I have been most pleasantly surprised with the academics here at Moody. Yes, classes can be hard. Yes, I do occasionally struggle to wrap my mind around this or that concept. But professors are kind, wise, and intelligent. Classes are teaching me invaluable lessons that will help me immensely as I seek to further God’s Kingdom. And the things I am learning, both inside and out of the classroom, are shaping and growing my mind and heart to be more like Christ.

Preconception/ Question #3: Ever since I was quite young, the whole idea of sitting in class has had a huge question mark over it. From a young age, I would occasionally ponder such life changing queries as Will I take notes in a notebook? A three-ring binder? What do college classrooms look like? And they big? Small? Do you wear a backpack in college? Do I have to take my textbooks to class? Wouldn’t that be a lot of books? How do you know where to go for every class? And the notes: taken in pen? Or pencil?

Truth: I suppose these questions were understandable for a homeschooler to be asking, seeing as most of them find their root in the simple fact that I did not experience a public school setting until my senior year of high school. At that point, at the ripe old age of 17, I was enrolled as a part-time student in the tiny Christian school at our church in Mexico. This was an invaluable experience for me in many ways, not the least of which being that it helped me begin to answer the above questions.

Preconception #4: It is socially acceptable to walk around your floor without pants on.

Truth: Yes.

Preconception #5: College is such a growing experience and will be so good for you.

Truth: First, allow me to say that the above sentence can easily be construed to mean anything and is, for the most part highly uninformative. However, it is by far the strongest message I received from people when they found out I was planning on attending THE Moody Bible Institute.

And, as ambiguous as they were, they could not have been more right. I am learning and growing; immensely so. So much that sometimes, Thursday night hits and the spilled makeup on the blue dorm carpet is a painfully accurate picture of how I feel on the inside: poured out, empty, splattered all over. Done.

So much that I’m sitting on the red couch in the lounge, listening to conversation bounce back and forth across the room, echoing slightly off the walls, and my heart kind of hurts because I can physically see how blessed I am. Relationships with my family, with the women on my floor; deep, complex, sometimes challenging. But also filled with joy and fun and patience and grace and love. The love of God that pours out of us, splashing on those around us, soaking all of us in a blanket of His mercy and sovereignty.

Is Moody like I had expected? Maybe a little bit. But it’s also so much harder, so much more fun, so much more challenging, and so much better than I ever expected.

~Natalia

Not the Only One

This morning people kept asking me how my break was.

I told them different things; good, great, really fun.

And those are all true, but they’re not the whole truth.

Because really, my break was more than that.

It was so good that by comparison, coming back to school is pretty lame.

Really lame.

Add my current less-than-stellar opinion of school to the fact that I am one of six who came away from our family reunion with a stomach bug, and I was not loving life.

But then, as I sat in class earlier today, my stomach angrily making itself known, I realized that I’m not the only one.

There are other students who are less than thrilled to be back on campus.

There are other students whose bodies struggle with much more than stomach pain.

And, let’s be honest, the majority of the student population is stressed out.

It’s almost December, finals are approaching, life refuses to fly by at anything less than break-neck speed, and it’s rather stressful.

Yes, I secretly wish that I was still with the cousins in Michigan. Yes, I’m subsisting on water, toast, and SDR fruit today. Yes, I can list handfuls of things that stress me out a bit.

But that’s not an excuse to be grumpy, to moan and whine about my issues, or to sink into a black puddle of self-pity.

Because I’m not the only one, and I’m doing life alongside the students around me. We’re all people full of problems and illnesses and struggles. We all have good days and days that leave us reeling. But God cares for each of us individually and all of us as a group, and there is nothing we can do to escape His love.

So that’s encouraging.

~Natalia

Life Right Now {#17}

Rollerblading class sounds like a bit of a joke, but let me tell you; it’s tough work. Rollerblading all over the city, cruising up and down Lakeshore Drive, speeding around to the backdrop of The Chicago skyline.

Honestly, I’m working hard over here.

~Natalia

College Bullet Point Post: 2nd Edition

The first College Bullet Point Post was written exactly one week after my arrival here on Moody’s campus. Today, we pause to commemorate the fact that it has been one month since I received my orientation packet, ID and keys, and was officially considered a Moody student.

• Don’t lock your keys in your room. Really don’t do it twelve minutes before you need to arrive in class, toting the bag, wearing the clothes, and with the ID that you just locked in your room. Really, really, don’t do it when your RA is not around to rescue you with her Almighty Master Key. But, if you absolutely must lock your keys in your room, do it twelve minutes before lifetime fitness.

• If you find yourself in sudden possession of some spare time, but have the lurking feeling that you have a million productive things that you should be doing with your spare time, then you do. It’s up to you whether you do those million productive things, or don’t.

• And honestly, sometimes don’t really is the right answer.

• There is a list of “Verses to Know” in the back of your Church and its Doctrines Syllabus. Read them. Familiarize yourself with them. The two questions that you miss on every. single. quiz are probably found amongst the Verses to Know.

• Standing at your roommate’s desk and scrutinizing the neat, tidy homework schedule that she printed out at the beginning of the year will not help you make any sense of your own schedule. Get your butt in gear, open your planner, and write out what you need to remember. Your life will make incredibly more sense after you do.

• You may never know how the cars in the very back corner of the parking lot across the street get out, even after they have been completely parked in on all sides. Accept this issue of the escaping cars as one of the great mysteries of life and move on. Except if you’re really, really curious. Then just keep wondering about it.

• Also on the topic of mysteries, continue to consider the issue of SDR food. Weigh the potential health risks of eating a sandwich two meals a day every week against the risk of stomach aches from pre-prepared SDR meals. Take into account that the Panini grills no longer function, which negates the grilled cheese option.

• As far as intramural sports go; do them. Frisbee is once or twice and week, in the evenings. No matter how much homework you have, or how desperately you claim to not want to be involved, go anyway. It’s a good workout, it’s fun, and it’s organized enough that the likelihood of breaking a toe is significantly diminished.

• IM flag football is a worthwhile investment of your time, as well. Although, they do say that flag football is rather dangerous. And I believe it, too. Yes, we’re all girls. Yes, we all love Jesus. Yes, I think you’re in one of my classes. But when we’re lined up on opposite sides of the line; well, it could get a little tough.

• Always use the same stall in the bathroom. I’m not sure why this is so important, but everyone I ask has one or two personal favorite stalls, and I for one always go to either the first on the right or the last on the left. It gives a certain amount of comfort to use the same stall day after day, night after night. Conversely, my world was rocked when I walked in one afternoon and both of My Stalls were occupied. Should this happen to you, try to remain calm and remember, you have two choices: chose another stall, or hold it.

• By this time you are not perpetually surrounded by a mass of nameless strangers, but rather a mass of people who you are beginning to recognize. This new-found ability to recognize people opens up a whole new world of connections for you; the guy at the desk downstairs is also in your quantitative reasoning class. The girl at the table across from yours in the SDR is in your Studying and Teaching the Bible class. The guy from New Zealand who hangs out with the guy from Canada sit behind you in Intro to Ministy. Aha.

• Remember back during orientation when your orientation leader told you not to let your Bible homework become your quiet time? He wasn’t kidding. Because when you have to spend an hour or two a day reading and considering and writing about the Bible, it’s understandably rather tempting to let that count as your personal Bible study time. But there’s a difference between reading the Bible to find the answer to the workbook page and reading the Bible to learn what God is saying to you right now. The former is great, and the latter is life-giving. Don’t mix them up.

• If you have the opportunity to return to the job that you have had and loved for four years, take it. Do what you need to do to attain the privilege of spending seven hours a week with the tiny athletes you love so much.

• Finally, live well. God brought you here and He’s going to keep you here until you’re ready for the next thing. So live! Spend time with the people around you. Love them. Encourage them. Let them encourage you. Have fun. Laugh together. Talk together. Live well, and it will be great.

~Natalia

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