Just Telling

29 Jan 2013 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in Death, God, Heaven, Moody Bible Institute, Sovereign, Worship

I suppose part of the reason that I gave you pictures last night instead of words is because I’m sorely tempted to wrap the intensely varied spread of emotions and experiences that have been crammed into this campus over the past four days into a seven paragraph sermonette on a neatly defined aspect of God’s character and plan for our lives.

I’m obsessed with wrapping the unwieldy and just generally real life experiences that I live and witness into clean, tidy lessons with a moral and a fairy tale ending. It’s good, and I’ve gotten good at it, but it’s a vast majority of life that cannot be packaged clean and tied with a bow, and I’m too tired to try to pretend that I can do that tonight.

Because Nelle came into the room last night, in the brief moments between when I had brushed my teeth, and before I clicked off my lamp and climbed into bed. The Roommate in her tall bed behind me, I had taken a deep drink of water from my cherished cup when I noticed a head in the cracked door, staring expectantly at me. Had my mouth not been full of water, I would have screamed. As it was, my heart jumped and the would-be scream came out wet and warbly and the water I had been drinking ended up mostly on The Roommate’s arms. Ever apologetic, Nelle made amends profusely, as I alternately laughed, listened to my heart pounding, and spot dried The Roommate with my hand towel.

And then Tuesday morning, President’s Chapel is a memorial service for our fellow student, now three days worshipping the King face to face in Heaven. Songs and Scripture and memories and praising the sovereign God who knew exactly how many days Micah would have here with us. I didn’t know him, but my mother’s prayed years for a tender heart that mourns with those who mourn, and service ended, we walk in silence to our next classes, I’m so thankful for friends who carry tissues.

It’s such a real life we live, and joy is real and suffering is real and I’m not looking for answers and deep connections tonight.

I’m just… telling.

~Natalia

Heaven Realized

11 Dec 2012 1 Comment

by nataliaria in God, Heaven

I’ve spent a rather significant portion of my evening

writing about the church and relationships and Adam and Eve.

And it suddenly struck me that I have no idea

what it was like for Adam and Eve

to live in perfect communion

with God.

The only thing I’ve ever experienced

is the

broken

hurtful

dark

painful

heartbreaking

world of sin washed black over deeper sin.

But I’ve been redeemed

and God’s grace has labelled me His.

I didn’t experience a perfect relationship with God

in the garden of Eden,

and I have not idea what that was like.

But I’m not looking back-

I’m looking forward to Heaven.

And tonight the truth moved

from my head to my heart

that Heaven really is going to be

absolutely beyond my imagination for good.

Because it’ll be a perfect relationship with God

and I think this might really be the first time ever

that I’ve been so very excited

(and a little scared, too)

to meet Jesus face to face someday,

and feel His heart and mine come together perfectly

without sin grating dark between us.

~Natalia

Little Slice

03 Sep 2012 3 Comments

by nataliaria in Church, Family, Friends, Heaven

We celebrated my church’s 25th Anniversary yesterday.

My home church. The church my father visited before we moved to the Chicagoland area.

More than 19 years ago, interviewing for the job he’s had since, he stepped into this church community

and we’ve been there ever since.

Nineteen years of living, learning, growing, experiencing life alongside the community of this church.

It’s the 25th Anniversary, a momentous occasion, so it’s easy to wax poetic about the good, the great, the memorable.

A church, a body of individuals who love God and love each other, isn’t stained glass and china plates.

There’s realness in this community. Dirt and mud and raw life.

We’re living together and working together and doing ministry together.

What you want isn’t always what I want, and I don’t even know what she wants.

But step back, blink your eyes, and look what you see.

We are a community, a family, drawn together because at one point or another, we’ve all called the same congregation our home, our family.

25th Anniversary and people are here who I haven’t seen in years; decades.

We come from different states. Different walks of life. Different ages, races, schools and families.

And we’re all a part of this church, this community, but that’s not what draws us together.

Jesus Christ draws us together, because we’re all followers of Him. Worshippers of Him.

We love Him, and we love each other. He enables us to love each other.

And when we’re all here, in this room, praising Him with words, with songs, with community,

that’s when they can say that this is a little slice of Heaven.

Because it is.

~Natalia

Longing

10 Feb 2012 2 Comments

by nataliaria in God, Heaven, Hurt, Longing, Need, Prayer, Questions

She wandered purposefully up and down the stage, speaking as she went.

She had prayed for the Holy Spirit to work through her, and even as she paced the stage, people were praying. Praying that God would give her words, give her wisdom, use her heart to change hearts.

He did.

Her words were even and heart-breaking. She knew the message by heart, and infused the words with passion as they came out. I sat, feet propped on the seat in front of me, transfixed.

We were all transfixed.

My notebook was already open before she began to speak. Tossed haphazardly in my lap, the little blue book fell open to a page already full of my flat, round handwriting. I flipped forward until I found an empty page, then set my pen to the paper.

God, I wrote across the top of the page, then hesitated, why do I feel this way? I looked up from my writing to watch her once again. Even while I wrote, I had been listening intently to her words, and now I paused to watch her walk across the stage.

Moments later, I turned back to my journal, even as my ears and heart strained to hear her message. She’s talking about Eden; about feeling perfect love and joy without remnants of past pain- I’ll never have that, LORD. I wrote, emotions twisting within me.

On stage, she continued. She spoke of what God originally created. The perfection, the pure love, the emotion that filled one’s heart to bursting with joy. The communion and intimacy with God that we cannot even fathom.

I’ll never have that, God, I wrote, my pen scratching rhythmically across the page. I will never experience that perfection and I cannot even fathom what I’m not getting, what I’m missing because of the sin in this world.

She paused on one side of the pulpit and spread her long, slender hands in front of her. The auditorium was silent, watching, listening, hearts breaking.

Longing. She spoke the word and my heart sank. I knew what she meant. In fact, the half-full page in front of me, scribbled-across with my cries to God, was seeped in longing.

The broken and completely unfixable state of this world is laid bare before us, and we know it. We can’t miss the fact that everything is not as it should be, not as it was originally created to be.

The world is broken. You’re broken. I’m broken.

And we weren’t originally made to be that way.

Why would you cause us- cause me- to feel this way? I demanded of God. Why would you wish this upon me?

But even as I wrote it, I knew the answer.

I didn’t, He said. And I knew He was right. He didn’t wish that we would hurt, that our world would reek of brokenness and sin, that each day would be filled with reminders of the perfect that was, that we will never experience this side of Heaven.

We brought it on ourselves.

We disobeyed. We rebelled. We sinned.

And it hurt Him.

It hurt Him so much more than my life hurts me. It broke His heart.

And we chose to do it.

Oh, God. We need you. We broke your heart- I broke your heart. And you took in that pain, soaked it into your own perfect heart and then, not once closing your eyes to me, never thinking of turning your back to me, you still gave.

You gave your Son. You gave hope. Hope beyond imagining. Hope that there is more, so much more beyond the longing.

She was almost done speaking, having brought us from creation to cross, weaving together bold-faced rebellion and gut-wrenching longing with the overflowing, overwhelming grace of God.

And the hope that that brings.

Because we long now. Long for the perfection that was. That never again will be on this earth.

And with that longing comes deep hope. Hope that what we long for will one day be restored. Restored and replenished, and yet so much more; better than anything we ever had, better than anything we can imagine or fathom.

There’s so much longing, but oh, so much hope.

~Natalia

Growing?

30 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in God, Heaven, Mexico, Prayer, Trust

Before my family moved to Mexico in October 2009, I became convinced that our eight months in Mexico would be an amazing time for me to grow in my walk with God. People told me before I left what a great growth experience it was going to be for me, and I had even worked it all out with God that I was going to grow so much in my faith while we were there.

But a month or two into the trip, I found myself sitting on my little bed, writing in my prayer journal by the light of the flashlight app on my iPod.
“What happened to this being a time of growth?” I demanded. “I thought I was going to come here and grow and really become more like You while I’m here!” I told God. I felt ripped off and rather frustrated with the failure of my growth mission.

But then, as I sat in the dark and listened to the neighbor’s dog bark, I suddenly realized that I was growing; my very motivation to grow indicated an increased desire to become more like Christ. In other words, that I wanted to grow was growth in itself.

I scribbled this realization in uppercase letters across the page, then paused as God brought another thought to my mind. Sometimes, the times that feel like I’m struggling the most is when I am growing the most. Growing more like Christ is not all rainbows and butterflies; God helps me, guides me, and protects me, but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I don’t do a great job. And a lot of the time it doesn’t even feel like I’m going anywhere.

But I trust a God who promised to not quit on me until He’s all finished, which will be when I get to Heaven. He’s not giving up on me and He’s not giving up on you.

So that’s good.

~Natalia

Reminded

20 Jun 2011 4 Comments

by nataliaria in Bible, God, Heaven, Kiddos, Love

She stood at the front of the room, leaning comfortably against the unused woodburning stove. Instead of her infant child, she held in her arms a white poster; the child having been tucked into her crib minutes before. Neat writing in black sharpie covered both sides of the poster, punctuated by a handful of illustrations.

She briefly explained each point on the poster, then propped the poster against the woodburning stove and turned to the gather group of twenty-five youth. “Now I’m going to go through everything on the poster as you would when you’re actually talking to a child.” She said, motioning for her young brother to join her at the front of the room. At his sister’s indication, the boy made himself comfortable atop the woodburning stove, and the room became quiet as she turned her full attention to her brother.

I, like everyone else in the room, had heard the message before. Tens, if not hundreds of times. I believe it with every bit of my heart, and I know that I would be nothing without the truth of it. I know it, believe it, and absolutely need it. But honestly, it’s not something that I spend very much time meditating on.

I sat in the back of the room, surrounded by students and leaders, all listening intently as she spelled out the message and the miracle of the Gospel. The boy sitting on the stove had heard it before, and believed it, but his familiarity with the subject matter did not affect the undivided attention that he gave his sister.

I’ve heard it all before, but sometimes, I just need reminded.

Reminded that I am a sinner who deserves punishment and that I can never get myself into Heaven.
Reminded that God made me and loves me with an unbelievable love.
Reminded that the bad things I do make Him sad, as well as prohibit me from entering Heaven.
Reminded that God loves me so much that He sent His very own Son to be punished instead of me.
Reminded that Jesus died on the cross so that I can go to Heaven and be with Him when I die.
Reminded that He didn’t just die and stay dead. He rose again.
Reminded that I can have a personal relationship with God, all because of Jesus’ sacrifice.
Reminded that because of God’s love for me, I can live my life to glorify Him.
Reminded that Jesus’s sacrificial death and miraculous resurrection is the best, most life-changing thing that ever happened, and will ever happen.
And reminded that everyone needs to hear about it.

~Natalia

Once Again

22 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in God, Heaven, Thanksgiving

{By Matt Redman}

Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I’ve wondered at Your gift of life
And I’m in that place once again
I’m in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I’m humbled by Your mercy and I’m broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

Now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens, where one day I’ll bow
But for now, I marvel at Your saving grace
And I’m full of praise once again
I’m full of praise once again

Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross, my Friend

~Natalia

Good Fruit

18 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in Bible, Church, God, Heaven, Love, Questions

“A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.” – Matthew 7:18 +19

It’s a familiar passage to me, and maybe to you, too. These verses are in the middle of a small section of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. In these verses, Jesus warns the people to be on the watch for false teachers who will try to sway their faith. He tells the people that false teachers can be identified by the fruit their lives produce. As the above verse indicates, good fruit equals good tree (good teacher) and bad fruit equals bad tree (false teacher). Easy enough.

I believe that this concept applies not just to preachers and teachers, but to all people, and I have recently been puzzling over the concept of “good fruit”. I have put my faith in Christ, and I believe that I am a Child of God who will go to Heaven when I die, which means that I should produce good fruit.

But what is good fruit?

I do good things, so that’s nice. But sometimes I do them just to get people to say good things about me. That can’t be good fruit. I read my Bible and pray, so that’s pretty good. I sometimes do the dishes, but I only do enough as is absolutely necessary. Doing the bare minimum can hardly be good fruit. So what is good fruit?

With such unknowing surrounding what good fruit really consists of, you can imagine that I was rather excited when the pastor began to expand on what the Bible means when it says “good fruit”. He first spoke a bit about how a believer who produces good fruit will have a lifestyle, character, and teaching that all line up with each other and the Bible. Then he said that a believer who produces good fruit loves.

Or, in other words, good fruit equals love.

Aha.

But not human love; broken love that twists and bends and sometimes just breaks. No, good fruit is real love. God love. Love that goes beyond anything we could ever come up with on our own. Love that only God can give.

And I get that. I have felt that love in me recently. I feel it well up inside me, warm and powerful, and I know it didn’t come from me. I can never love anyone perfectly, as much as I may love them. But God does love us perfectly, and He gives us that love for others.

So, good fruit equals love. God love.

~Natalia

Lessons from Reepicheep

28 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in God, Heaven, Movies

I saw the newest Narnia movie today; went with my cousins, aunt, uncle, brother, dad, and grandparents to an adorable [read: tiny] theater and saw The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I haven’t read the book since elementary school, and even then my dad actually read them to me, but the movie seemed very much like the book I remember.

My favorite part was the very end [SPOILER ALERT], when Lucy, Edmund, Eustace, Caspian, and Reepicheep walk with Aslan along the shores of Aslan’s land. Aslan, of course, represents Jesus Christ in C.S. Lewis’ allegory, and His land is Heaven.

While Lucy, Edmund, and Eustace are to return to England, both Caspian and Reepicheep are given the option to enter Aslan’s land forever. Caspian chooses, as Aslan knows he will, to remain alive and rule Narnia in a way his father would approve of, while the little mouse Reepicheep chooses to enter Aslan’s land.
Reepicheep is bursting with excitement. As soon as the group lands on the shore at the beginning of the scene, the mouse is running ahead. He’s looking around and grinning, waiting for the moment when he can ask Aslan for permission to enter His land. Reepicheep is valiant, humble, and sweet, and he is so very excited to go to Heaven and be with Aslan forever, in His land.

I want to be more like Reepicheep. Reepicheep was brave, kind, forgiving, wise, funny, courageous, humble, compassionate, and most importantly, he loved and served Aslan with all his heart. And when it came time for Reepicheep to enter Aslan’s land, he was so excited he could not contain himself.

Heaven is where those who have put their faith in Jesus Christ and who have Him as their Savior will go when they die. In Heaven, believers will be with Jesus forever, and there will be no sadness or pain. Yet even though I know that Heaven will be awesome beyond my imagination, I often become caught up with things that seem important in this world; things that are small, things that will not matter in a little while.

But I can’t be as eager as Reepicheep when I am caught up in the tiny bits of this world, can I?

~Natalia

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 196 other followers