New Year’s Resolutions…

02 Jan 2013 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in Faithful, God, Intentional, Purpose, Travel, Trust

I’ve never really made New Year’s Resolutions. That resolutions are eventually broken, discarded, forgotten has stuck with me more than the purpose and excitement of creating resolutions, and I’ve rather avoided them. When pressed, I said I hadn’t thought about it, that I needed to give it more consideration.

And that’s true.

But a little more questioning; do I have any ideas? And suddenly, I’ve created a list.

I’ll get my life together, which is mostly for humor because let’s be honest: a life put together doesn’t actually exist, and even if it did, I’d be the last one to figure that out. And I’ll make this semester better than last year’s spring semester. And I’ll read more books and maybe visit Pennsylvania again and Mexico most definitely, and I’ve been thinking about New York City for a while now.

And there’s lists and goals and I can see why people make resolutions. But it takes a breath and a thought to wander wide of God’s plan, and a blink more and I’m running myself full speed on my own way, my own power, my own resolutions.

But I’ve tried that before and I know falling hard. I know trying my hardest, giving my very best, running on empty to get this right because I know I can do this.

But I wasn’t made to do this by myself. I wasn’t made to create plans, to right my path, to master the realm I live in. I was made for the purpose of following Him. Loving Him. Glorifying Him. His intentionality far outweighs anything I could ever imagine, ever fathom, and He put me in this year, this place, this now for a reason.

And sure, I have resolutions. Or maybe goals is a better way to describe them. But they’re not my purpose. My purpose is to follow Him, and He’s the undercurrent, the rock, the strength behind my every step. In His power, I’ll glorify Him. But it doesn’t just stop there. His purpose is where I’m supposed to be, but it’s also the best place to be. I don’t get it, and I don’t get Him, at least not completely.

But I do trust Him. I trust His will to be right, and His heart to be perfect. I trust His grace to hold fast, and His words to be true. I trust Him to teach me and I trust Him to lead me.

And it’s not really a resolution, because it’s only His power in me that makes anything right, but this is exactly how I want to start my new year, in the hand of the God who’s brought me this far, and won’t leave me stranded.

~Natalia

I Wish

15 Sep 2012 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in Friends, God, Grow, Intentional, Love, Moody Bible Institute, Realizations, Sovereign, Trust

I thought this evening, sitting in bed and my mind wandering to what I would blog about, that it would be nice, for once, to blog about how I finally got my life together.

Mentally constructing the first words, first lines of a post, I wondered what it would be like to write about how I accomplished everything I needed to do. How I stayed on top of relationships, my walk with the Lord, and other extracurriculars. I daydreamed for a moment about what it would look like, practically, to have it all in line and get it all done.

My dream lasted a moment, maybe a little longer, and I came back to reality. Because I know in my heart that there will never be a day when I completely have it all together, get it all done, perform well in every area of my life.

I will never achieve perfection in relationships, balancing time surrounded by friends and time alone with precision. I’ll never hit the perfect balance that exists between drinking in the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, and pouring that out into the lives of those around me.

I can get on top of homework, and generally strive to do so, but a planner full of pink high light marks, full of accomplished tasks, too often means a heart full of half-prayed prayers and relationships that I haven’t nearly poured my all into.

I’ll most likely never hit the balance just right. Never be able to consistently hold to the magic rhythm, the perfect schedule of life that automatically means that I have it all under control.

And I suppose I’m okay with that.

I have to be okay with that.

And not only that, but I have a reason to be okay with it.

I’ve told myself and I’ve told you, and the line is sometimes blurred between who I’m telling, who I’m reminding. When I sit up late during the last weeks of the school year and tell you that God is faithful, God provides, God knows best, I’m not just telling you, I’m reminding me.

I’m reminding myself of the truths I’ve been taught. The wisdom I’ve seen. The grace I’ve experienced.

And tonight, when I tell you about my perpetual inability to be exactly as put together as I’d like to be, it’s not because I’m angry or complaining. Just because I’ll never be just as good as I’d like to be doesn’t mean I’m quitting everything.

I can’t quit everything.

Can’t quit because God, the same God who speaks into my heart and life, the same God who quite intentionally put me at Moody, on this floor, in this place, because that God is just as real and powerful as He’s ever been.

He’s just as good and wise and great and gracious as He’s ever been. And if the lesson I’m confronted with in every area of my life, the lesson of my own insufficiency, is pushing me more and more into His arms, more and more to rely completely on Him, then I trust Him to do that.

I trust Him to truly know what’s best, what’s right, what’s stretching me to become more and more like Him everyday.

I trust Him for that. I trust Him. I trust Him.

But sometimes I just wish I could really be on top of everything.

~Natalia

Thread Unwound

01 Aug 2012 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in God, Grow, Intentional, Prayer, Sovereign, Trust

There’s a certain feeling. A reaching, searching feeling in my head and my heart. I know what I’m reading. I know what words she just said. I know the straight and true meaning of the words my ears just heard, but there’s something else. I know there is.

There’s another meaning, a greater significance, to what was said, what was written. Maybe not for everyone; maybe this double meaning, this hint of something so much deeper, is only for me. Maybe the connection that I feel stirring within me is a connection only I’d make just now.

But it doesn’t occur to me right away. Instead, I’m left mentally searching, casting about for what exactly I’m thinking, what it is exactly that pokes my heart. I’m reaching, the fingers of my mind and heart stretched as far as they can, trying to put the pieces together.

I know there’s something there, but it’s just out of reach. I’m almost there, I’ve almost clicked the pieces into place, I’m almost able to sit back and marvel at the way God has tied these strands of my life together, the lessons He’s teaching me, but I’m not quite there.

And then, slowly, things begin to come into focus. I’ve grabbed firm hold of a single thread of this lesson, this grand scheme of growing, and I’m not letting go. Slowly but surely, I’m following the thread. Upside down and twisted, I’m slowly unwinding the jumble of life, sorting out what the lesson is. Listening intently to the whispers amidst the roar of day-to-day, I think I’m beginning to understand.

She asked me first, and asking her occurred to me, to my shame, as a bit of an afterthought. What about you? I texted back, Anything I can pray for you?

She responded honestly and thanked me for my support, for carrying her burdens, in this metaphorical and spiritual way. I read her text with a mix of surprise and sudden contentment, tinged with a sweet warmth.

Days, hours later, I returned to her text. I had prayed, repeatedly, for her request, and meant each word with all my heart. I truly, truly yearned for her petition to be answered, and I thought about it frequently.

And, as I thought about it, I felt the stretching, the wondering. I began to cast about for an answer. Why was I so affected by her request, why did her honesty in sharing so touch me, why was I so adamant that God hear me, that God touch her life? There must be a why.

My mind and heart searched, flipping through thoughts, feelings, emotions. Sorting out the why from the what from the who. I knew there was a reason, and I struggled to find it, unweaving the threads of my thoughts until I could tell the yellow from the red from the green.

It’s honesty and vulnerability and trust. It’s prayer and God and sovereignty. And I’m straining to grasp the connection between them all. There’s trusting God to answer, yes, but there’s more. There’s trusting God to use her words to me, her sharing, to grow both of us. It was a simple question I asked, and one that is answered flippantly too very much. But there was something else in her words. Something I didn’t catch at first.

There’s an intentionality there that I almost missed. Almost, but not quite. A quiet, soft, deep intentionality that I just barely caught a glimpse of.

An intentionality, a choice, a determination, to use her answer, her words, her texting conversation with me to build. Build intentionality. Build friendship with me. Build trust in Him.

An intentionality that I almost missed. But caught.

~Natalia

Simple

28 Jun 2012 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in Beauty, College, Friends, God, Grow, Intentional, Longing, Love, Purpose, Realizations, Simple

Around this time last summer, I began shifting the ways that I interacted with people. As I went through my days, I tried my very best to interact with intentionality. When I remembered, and then with increasing frequency as I got in the habit, I listened with painstaking attention when I conversed with people. I worked to pull myself out of the spacey, sliding-through-life mode that I often operated under, and instead become truly mentally and emotionally involved in those around me.

I wasn’t perfect, but I was engaged and involved, and I grew through listening to those around me.

But then I went to school, and as first one semester then another skipped past, I pulled back. Slowly, as month after month went by, my focus on listening and truly being involved in my relationships and interactions waned. I still loved, still cared, still ached, but not with quite the edge that I had before.

I was less focused. More scattered. In the spinning table that was my life this past school year, being fully present in my interactions and friendships slipped to the back, while turning in homework assignments on time and scrambling to keep my life together came to the foreground.

Being present, being involved, communicating fully, was hard and draining, and I believe I burned myself out. To be honest, I don’t miss the strain of working to remain open, fighting to keep my own heart open, for the sake of interacting with others.

I don’t miss that, but I do miss the focus, the purposefulness of so many of my interactions last year. I don’t like the floating, skimming-across-the-surface sense that I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t like feeling like I’m sliding across a slippery grass field in my relationships. I want to dig my hands into the grass and hold on to those relationships.

I’m rooted in Christ. I can stand on the side of the pool, sit in the living room, drive down the road, and let my mind reel over what God has done for me and how He has poured out too many good things on my life. My hands are too small to hold everything that He’s given me, and I want to open my hands and dump some of those gifts on those I interact with.

His grace. Mercy. Love. Joy. Peace. Contentment.

But I can’t do that if I’m not truly there, not truly with, not truly interacting.

So, what’s to be done? How does one infuse purpose and intentionality into one’s own life?

I have a sneaking suspicion, a vague feeling, that the answer lies somewhere in the simple. I’m beginning to realize that I might have too much in my life that takes away from the real, living breathing, hurting, laughing, beautiful relationships that are right in front of me. There are too many superfluous things, distractions, websites, tasks that I pour myself into, leaving only a thin layer of energy, love, care for the souls I encounter day after day.

For the first time in my life, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that my life, my mind, my heart need to be more simple.

And with that simple, maybe I’ll find the purpose, the intentionality, that I know I’m missing.

~Natalia

Intentional Season

16 May 2012 2 Comments

by nataliaria in Family, God, Intentional, Purpose, Summer, Trust

Every time I’ve thought about blogging since I left school on Saturday afternoon has left me confused and scattered. It would seem that the removal of the structure of school from my life has altered far more than the time of my alarm clock. Without the perpetual to-do list of homework, assignments, and projects, I’ve been feeling rather aimless for the past couple of days.

Nevermind that I’ve been helping care for the two little princesses that I call my sisters, working around the house, unpacking a years’ worth of possessions, and cooking, among a vast list of other things; I’m having a hard time adjusting to the lack of papers, homework, and reading in my life.

I know that this is a unique season, and, just like every other season in one’s life, there will never be another just like it. And I appreciate the unique time, the blessing of three school-free months, but right now I’m having a little trouble seeing the blessing because I’m so caught up with what I’m supposed to do with the blessing.

I’m petrified that I will somehow waste the precious gift of these three months. Scared that August 20th will arrive, I’ll look back over the sum of my summer, and sigh in resignation; Well, I mean, I guess I did okay. I guess I was intentional enough, more or less. I suppose I glorified God with what I did. I guess.

Heaven forbid.

I’m bound and determined to be intentional, to use my time wisely, to make good decisions and to fellowship purposefully with others.

I want so badly to do all that, I’m just not sure what it looks like.

I was asked recently if I trusted God.

Not if I trusted His judgement, or trusted Him to be Good, or trusted Him to stick by His promises; just if I trusted Him.

I said yes.

And I guess in a way, this is a bit of a test. I’m giving Him back the time that He gave to me, but I’m clearly struggling a bit to trust that He can use the time to His own glory. I’m begging Him to help me be intentional, but stressing myself out worrying that the Great God of intentionality will somehow forget that I need Him.

The first thing I need to be intentional about is trusting God with my words, deeds, actions, and time. Because He’s given me this summer, and He can use it to His glory.

~Natalia

Thinking About Now

10 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in College, Faithful, Friends, God, Grow, Intentional, Love, Miss, Trust

I recently told God that it would be much easier if He would just come out and straight up tell me when I’m doing something right, and when I should choose a different option. It would be so much easier, I told Him, if You could just say “yes” when it’s yes, and “no” when it’s no.

And then He said, what about trusting me?

Not just trusting Him that there is a right answer, but that He will show me the right answer. I have no trouble believing that He knows His stuff, and that He has everything that looks so big from down here completely under control. What I struggle with more is the concept of how the heck I’m supposed to know what He wants me to do.

I had a little trouble coming off of spring break and fighting the feeling that I’m just swirling around aimlessly in this Moody student life. But, over the days and weeks since I wrote about feeling so swimmy, my life has fallen into place a little more. I feel comfortable, settled in many areas of my life. I like school and work and relationships and life and I’m content.

But I can’t escape the lurking feeling that I should be doing more.

Because there is a paper-chain countdown draped over my neighbor’s door, and the days until school is over are decreasing rapidly.

Because there are relationships here that will change when we pack up and leave for the summer. Changing does not necessarily mean worsening, or ending, but it does mean growing, and loving, and missing deeply.

And I’ve fought to keep my heart in the now, and not get wrapped up in what happens next, what comes after, how things will be different. I’ve thought about that, I’ve struggled with that.

But I’m not thinking about this fall, about returning to a school, a floor, that is different, oh so different, from the one I will leave in five weeks’ time.

I’m thinking about now. I want to know what God wants me to do now. I want to know how to keep developing friendships, right up to the day when we wheel our suitcases and bins down the elevator and off campus. I want to honor Him with my time, even as the number of projects left in the semester dwindles rapidly. I want to grow, I want to love, I want to honor Him.

I just wish there was an easy way to know exactly what He wants me to do.

~Natalia

Dear Role Model,

17 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by nataliaria in Intentional

I’m not sure that you know how big you are. How cool you are. How much I want to be like you.

I don’t think you realize how much of an influence you have over me.

I see you quite a bit. I watch you do your homework. Go to school. Work. Interact with your friends, your family, the world around you.

I see you make decisions. And the funny thing is, even though you didn’t really think about your decision, and I certainly didn’t either, it’ll affect both of us.

Because the things you decide to say and do change your life, and they change mine a little bit, too.

I’m paying more attention to your life than it seems oftentimes. You’re older than me, and I want to remember the things you say and do because, when I’m big like you, I want to do those things, too.

Many of the ways that you influence me are subtle; so subtle that even I don’t really notice until later.

Later when I’m listening to music, and a song comes on that I’ve heard before, a song that you showed me. And it’s a nice song, I guess, but I like it even more because you told me about it.

Later when I’m reading a book, talking, learning, and I smile because you read about that, talk about that, learn about that, and I want to be like you.

I listen to the way you speak, too. The phrases you pepper your conversations with. The way you move your hands, your arms, your eyes, when you talk. And then, somehow, without me even thinking about it, I accidentally say one of your lines. Something I’ve heard you say over and over slips out.

And just like that, you’re influencing my very vocabulary.

I love hanging out with you. I love when you participate in my life with me, doing the things that I like, the things that I live. It makes me feel important, significant, when you come be a part of my world.

My life.

My heart.

You’re so big, and you’re so cool, and I want so badly to be like you.

People look up to you, look up to me. What are we doing with that responsibility?

~Natalia

What I Know it Should Be

26 Dec 2011 1 Comment

by nataliaria in Books, Friends, God, Intentional, Love, Mexico, Purpose, Realizations

Sometime late this afternoon, as the setting sun spewed orange and pink streaks over the landscape, I found myself squeezed comfortably into the back of the car with the little ones, my mother, and Kenia. Kenia had recently arrived back from work, and had spent the bus ride reading Watchman Nee’s Character of God’s Workman.

In between the usual banter and laughter that often characterizes our friendship, I paused to ask what the book was about. She glanced out the car window for a second, where yellow dust swirled up and down the street, then, looking back at me, summarized the book, up to where she had read.

I was surprised by the depth to which she had captured the message of the book, as well as her ability to reiterate what she had read, and I felt a tinge of guilt, as well. While there’s nothing wrong with re-reading the Hunger Games over break, somehow it’s not quite as soul-filling as anything with the words “character” and “God” in the title.

When someone talks to us, there are three things that we need to do, Kenia said as we bumped over the dry dirt road. We need to listen to what they are saying, listen to what they are telling us, and listen to what their spirit is telling us.

She had barely gotten to the second step when I my heart sank a little bit; I can honestly claim that I listen to people. If I want to hear and understand, especially here where the only English Speakers I encounter are my family, I need to listen. So I do. But do I listen to what they are telling me? Am I actually listening?

Debatable.

The last instruction is to listen to what their spirit is saying, listen to what the person on the other end of the conversation is communicating without using words. As soon as I heard this, I knew that I didn’t do it, at least, not nearly as often as I should.

The instructions were not, “do these things when you really love a person and when you want to show them respect”. But rather, do these things.

Many of you who have been following Lead Me Where may remember when I reevaluated how I see and interact with the people around me. Sparked mainly by the novel The Elegance of the Hedgehog, I ripped apart my interactions with those around me, and spent weeks obsessing over infusing my conversations with love and respect. I wanted each person that I spoke with, each person that I shared words and time with, to feel the love of Christ simply in the way I looked at them, the way I listened to them.

And to be honest, that desire has slipped to the back of my mind as of late. I have been distracted by school, work, Mexico, life, and I believe that it’s taken away from my interactions. I don’t believe that all my conversations, all the words I have shared in the past month or two have been for naught, but I don’t think they have been all that they could have been.

Kenia’s reading was a bit of a reminder for me. Maybe even a wake up call. In the hours since our conversation, as I thought more and more about how I am to listen, a feeling of purpose began stirring in me. I liked having the purpose of showing love. In the weeks and months that I strived so hard, sometimes even too hard, to ooze the love of Christ to everyone I met, I knew what I was working towards.

I’ve missed that lately. I can’t help but feel a little bit like many of my daily interactions have shriveled into meaninglessness. What is the person on the other end getting from this? Are we filling time and space with nothing? Or are we going somewhere?

Are the words that I say, is the way that I listen, getting us somewhere at all?

Because I believe that it should.

I’m thankful that Kenia’s reading Watchman Nee’s book, and that God lead her to share just the bit that I needed to hear. I’m saddened that I have allowed myself to become distracted from what interacting- listening- really should be, but I’m becoming increasingly motivated to bring it back to what I know it should be.

God help me.

~Natalia

What Motivates

10 Nov 2011 1 Comment

by nataliaria in College, God, Grow, Hurt, Intentional, Love, Questions

This week we had a guest speaker in one of my classes.

He spoke about discpleship; building intentional, one-on-one relationships with fellow beleivers for the purpose of mutual growth. Relationships based on love and friendship.

As you can imagine, given my rather intense interest in intentionality, love, and friendship, the talks held me spellbound, start to finish.

But the speaker was not shy about the trails of discipleship. He didn’t sugarcoat or skim over the trying parts of discipleship. The parts where you get on your knees and beg God to remind you why you’re doing this in the first place.

It’s a proven fact that when you allow people so close to your heart, invite them there even, some amount of pain is involved.

Often, a fair amount of pain.

Because we’re broken people, and they’re broken people, and broken + broken = hurt.

And as I sat in class, taking copious amounts of notes in my little blue notebook, something I have thought many times before rose up again in front of me.

What motivates me to discipleship?

I understand why we do discipleship: because, well, God commanded us to, and for the purpose of growing closer to Him.

I get that.

But what motivates me to not only open my arms to the likely hurt that comes with these relationships, but to literally pursue it?

I can think of several acceptable motivators, but I wonder, will those things keep me around? When it’s hard to love and it’s messy because we’re both people and this is not Heaven, what will motivate me to stick around?

Will what motivated me to reach out in the first place be enough to make me stay?

~Natalia

Beautiful Intentional

08 Nov 2011 4 Comments

by nataliaria in Beauty, College, Friends, Intentional, Politics, Realizations

“The problem is that no one’s intentional anymore!” She exclaimed, her eyes sweeping the dining room as her statement floated in the air for a moment, then settled into the silence that briefly enveloped the almost-deserted table.

Soon, the conversation picked up again and we were once more passing ideas and thoughts back and forth across the table; sharing understanding, and admitting our lack thereof. Soon, the conversation came to a close, and we individually gathered our stuff and made our way out of the dining room, but her words about intentionality stuck with me. I am intrigued by the idea of living intentionally in all areas of my life, and I am inspired by the people who I see around me who are living intentionally. But, more than anything, I am convicted.

It’s not uncommon for me to refer to myself as a space cadet. And sometimes, it’s true. Sometimes, I’m noncommittal, and I don’t pay attention to things that others might like me to pay attention to. Sometimes, I miss the important things, and sometimes I look at something and only see the little things and completely miss big things. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don’t.

Yes, I try my best to be intentional about how I interact with you, as we stand face to face in the hallway. But I often don’t do a phenomenal job of seeking out friendships, of looking at relationships in light of the big picture, not as a series of unrelated interactions that string together to create a friendship.

I’ve spent significant portions of my life shying away from intentionality because of the work of it all. To be intentional about political beliefs, one must take time to research, understand, and form opinions. To be intentional about faith, one must study the Word of God, have a grasp of theology, and be firmly grounded in one’s personal convictions. To be intentional about relationships, one must take the time to step back and surmise where one’s relationships are, where they should be going, and what steps it will take to get them there.

Intentionality is a commitment, and it’s hard work, and as I thought more about it, I began to worry about one thing: the beauty. I worried that intentionality in my life, my actions, my words would so involve my heart and my mind that I would start to miss the beauty; something I try so hard to see, to open my mind and heart to. I worried that my awareness of intentionality would replace my awareness of beauty.

I was sitting on the floor, legs crossed under me, leaning over my C-DOC textbook. She sat at the desk to my right, leaning on one elbow, reading intently. Music played softly in the background, and every so often one of us would straighten up, glance at the other, and utter a comment, remark, question. Homework would be briefly set aside as we tossed words back and forth, smiling at the funny, nodding at the agreeable. Then, as fast as it had picked up, the conversation would settle again, and we would once again slip into the worlds of Church and its Doctrines and Apologetics.

The music suddenly stopped, and she looked up from her book to remedy the situation. The computer sitting resolutely on her desk is a loaner from a thoughtful and generous friend, and as she clicked from page to page, hurrying to restore the music to our quiet studying, she commented on her old computer. I remained hunched over my textbook as she spoke her next sentence, but her last word grabbed my attention. She had paused every so slightly mid sentence, in order to select the right word, and as soon as the words left her lips, I sat up.

I glanced in her direction. The music playing again, and the slow-paced conversation on hold for a moment, she had returned to her book, arms resting on the desk, book resting in her hands. I sat where I was on the floor, and considered how her words had stopped me in my tracks. Nothing profound, nothing even very important, but the way she put it together into a sentence, and the word she used to complete her thought stopped me and held me there for a moment or two.

I stared at the line where the wall meets the ceiling and I thought about it. I thought about our tones, inflections, the word choices we make and how they affect our entire communication, and then I realized; this is beauty.

Words, thoughts, syntax, grammar, spelling. These things make beauty. Words can be beauty when they express exotic and wonderful ideas, or painful truths, or even simple facts about a computer.

And I realized that intentionality does not eliminate beauty. Even as I begin to be more intentional about the way I think, the way I speak, the way I be, I can still see the beautiful. Intentionality is not in place of beauty, but rather, it becomes another way of seeing the beauty in words, in moments, in a snapshot of a memory, and even in intentionality itself.

~Natalia

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