The Mother

6am, I’m the only one awake now. Staying at home for the weekend in order to work at the pool, I share a room with the three little ones. Sisters back to back in their big bed, pink blankets and stuffed animals scattered around them. There’s a toddler bed at the end of their bed; blue sheets, Superman blanket. The little guy’s not in there, though.

He slept there last night. Fell asleep with his Elmo milk cup, dark little hands tucked under his soft cheeks. I heard him when I went to sleep, his breath rattling, shaking. He’s got a cold now, and he coughed and sputtered in his sleep; rubbing his itchy nose in his dreams. I fell asleep in the room, listening to his sleeping breath alternate even, resting, with coughing. But he left the room sometime during the night, and it’s quiet now.

I get up, shuffle across the hall to the bathroom. The old, dark, wooden floor creaks, just in one spot. I hit that spot, accidentally. My backpack, overnight bag, is in the bathroom. I find my pants, step over the creaky floorboard to my closet, flip through dresses, skirts, tops, to my purple work shirt. Brush teeth, hair in a pony tail, bathroom light off.

In the kitchen, I stand against the counter, eat a yogurt. There are five different bottles of vitamins in the cabinet, labeled with black Sharpie. N, mine. G+L, the little girls. T, the mother. I eat two of mine, the gummy ones, in the dim light of the kitchen.

The kitchen window faces a brick wall. Across, offset by two feet, someone’s laundry room looks into our kitchen. Between, there are two cement walkways, a thin strip of green plants between them. It’s the middle of May- spring- even though it’s still chilly, and the sun is rising quickly, casting pale white light onto everything in its path. The flimsy plants glow bland green in the growing light.

My ride will be here soon. I find my pens, shrug into my yellow coat. I’ve only brought flip-flops home, but I’ll be barefoot at the pool, anyway. I step into the living room, past the front door, to glance out the front window. The blinds are closed, though; this couch room, play room, school room, living room has been transformed into a bedroom.

The mother sits in the corner, at the very front of the house, rocking the baby boy. It’s hard to breath lying down when you’re sick, and 3am, she woke up with that little boy, and now they’re both sleeping there in the rocking chair. She’s pulled the special grey blanket- her Christmas present to herself- around them both, and his head is slumped, tired, against her. Sitting up against her, he breathes clear, easy.

Later, in a couple of weeks, the little boy will leave; he’ll return to the mother who gave birth to him. But for now, he sleeps on the blue sheets and he eats out of the Cars bowl in the seat at the end of our table. For now, we love him and teach him and feed him and dress him. And the mother, she gets up at 3am to change him, rock him, love him.

~Natalia

After All

It’s been raining all day and I wore TOMS to work, only to take them off halfway back to the train and walk barefoot through mud puddles all the way to the train stop.

I worked this evening and sometimes my tired, my impatience slips through more than I’d like it to, and I get to the end of the day and it worries me: do these little athletes know that I love them?

I write about what is important to me, what is on my mind, but the end of the semester is occupying so very much of my thoughts, I worry about sounding repetitive.

It’s as dark as a room in the city with no curtains can be, and I’m lying here listening to the hallway, creating this post on my phone.

I saw the mother for seven minutes this afternoon and she gave me a purple umbrella, two clementines, and a box of crackers and I dutifully used that umbrella all the way back to the train (barefoot though I was) and I ate the clementine between the Argyle and Berwyn stops on the Red Line; saved the crackers for later.

I stopped for a moment in the entryway at the pool, talked with the little swimmers waiting there. And one little boy- Tommy, six years old, buzz cut- wrapped his arms around my waist all of a sudden, which shouldn’t have surprised me because his sister, all dimpled smile and grow-up teeth, she told me before that I’m his favorite, anyway.

And I rubbed his fuzzy head and thought, “Maybe they do know how much they’re loved after all. Maybe it’s really just fine.”

It’s all gonna be just fine, after all.

~Natalia

Images of Disney

I’ve written, told you about our wonderful day at Magic Kingdom, but I thought it was time to show you some photos of our Disney Day, too.
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Early morning with cousin Catherine and Cinderella’s castle!

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Wonderful aunt, uncle and cousins!

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An image quite accurately capturing our respective feelings regarding roller coasters!

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The mother and little princesses arrived for the parade, which of course meant another view of Cinderella’s castle!

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The girls try their hand at pulling King Arthur’s sword from the Stone!

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Absolutely worth it to break the No Cameras rule on the Under Sea Adventure ride to capture the look of joy on the mother’s face!

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The long-awaited and much-anticipated Meeting of Ariel!

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Four cousins and Rapunzel’s tower!

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The patience of the little ones stretched far beyond my own in the line to meet Tinkerbell (but, then again, they’re the ones who got to meet her…)!

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And, to cap off a fantastic day: hugs, kisses, and a photo op with Mickey Mouse himself!

~Natalia

They Learn

There’s a little boy- maybe he’s four, maybe he’s five. I don’t know. But he sits on the stairs in the shade out back; it’s play time now. His walker’s on the side, shiny metal with red handles. Earlier, in the classroom, we played with the bears, and these little plastic bears, he lined them all up, and I talked and he talked. It was a slow waking for me, because I sat there on the ground in that preschool classroom and first I didn’t know what thoughts, what skills, what language there was, but we played with those bears and it’s not English, it’s Spanish, and now we’re outside and he’s sitting on the steps, and there’s so much there, of course he understands.

Why did you come? He asks, and his dark eyes squint because it’s bright where I’m standing, and I kneel low, like we’re playing bears again, and maybe he knew what answer was coming: I came to play with you. He was serious in class, we had only just met, but he’ll play, too, and his smile brings dimples to those soft swirl cheeks.

There’s a little girl- tiny, small. She has short fingers and a soft nose and those almond eyes that I’ve heard about. People say “something extra” and “sparkle”, but whatever you call it, I’m completely smitten. She’s independent and determined and this three-year-old angel girl, she knows what she wants. I talked to her, in the classroom, on the playground, sitting one side and the other at the snack table. I talked to her and that deep baby voice dug something strong familiar.

And I carried that voice in my mind all the day, and it was almost the end when I realized the ring of it. Because there’s another little girl, with fair skin and tan hair, who’s stubborn and strong, a tiny one with those short, firm fingers, who lived at that orphanage in Mexico. And this child in Mexico, she said some words- two, three maybe- but her noises are deep and they hum just like this little one, and these two girls, they remind me of each other.

There are more, too. Little boys now wrapped warm in their beds at home, because it’s late, little girls, pony tails askew because preschool is a rather active age. There are other children who learn and who grow and who step and who crawl and who speak and who listen. And I have a professor, I wrote his words bold on the front of my notebook: Learning is Rather Fascinating, he said. And it’s true, it’s fascinating and it’s always, because these littles, they learn at the table, and they learn at the park, and they learn standing long at the window, as buses pass while child eyes trail shadows down the asphalt.

They learn and they learn, and I learn as I watch and I learn as we play, and open your eyes- are you learning, too?

~Natalia

Back Then When: I Hugged my Grandfather

btwhugged
Summer 1994

~Natalia

In That Room

Thursdays are rather long days. Rather long days filled with class, lunch, more class, and then an afternoon spent in the Kindergarten and 1st grade class at a Chicago after-school program. 11 hours of filled. A long day, yes, but it starts with Learning Theories, then there’s Classroom Methods and Management, and then 2.5 hours devoted to learning about exceptional children and special education. And it’s hard not to enjoy a day that includes six hours of future teacher training. Days like Thursday get me ready to be a teacher.

So I like Thursdays.

And yesterday, the last class before backpack slung over my shoulder and running downstairs to head to after-school; in that last class, we talked about Autism. There was a presentation; three fellow students telling about Asperger’s and Rett Syndrome and children with many symptoms and few answers. They taught and explained and gave examples, and we learned what Autism means, a little bit.

Part of the lesson, we broke into small groups. Elementary education must be a lot of small group work, because we certainly spend plenty of time in small groups as we learn how to be teachers. So the girl next to me, the two of us spin our chairs around and drag them back to the table behind, and we form a small group. And the ones up front, the ones teaching today, they give us a paper. A real life story.

They give us directions; school always comes with directions. The paper’s a story, a real life account, of a family whose little boy, three years old, has autism. So one girl read, skimmed really, because they’ve already highlighted the important parts of this real life account. And they nominated me to take notes, and I craned my neck back around the people, to see the instructions written on the board. So I wrote the child’s name, his disorder, his facts, his story, on that little piece of paper shaped like a puzzle piece.

And then, the last step on the board, said pray. Pray because this is a real disorder and we held in our hands a real story of a real child and his real family, who really struggled when he didn’t respond to his name, didn’t look them in the eye, didn’t even want to walk. It was all real.

So we bowed our heads.

And in that classroom in the city, with apartment buildings and skyscrapers arrayed like a mural on the other side of the window, we prayed for that child. We prayed for his family, his development, his language. We prayed for patience and understanding, grace and energy, encouragement and joy. We closed our eyes and we were right there in that chilly classroom, but prayer binds hearts from a million miles away, that little boy might as well have been sitting with us.

Because prayer makes real even more so, and God listens, God hears, and hearts join together when it begins with Dear Lord.

~Natalia

Goats

The Roommate exclaimed to me this evening rather excitedly about something having to do with goats yelling. I had been spending my precious and highly sought-after free time in watching a youtube video featuring a miniature frog squeak, but the goats sounded intriguing. So I looked them up.

My mother has implied, and will probably deny ever saying, that I have so shrunk my attention span that my deep love of youtube is only fitting because I can’t attend for much longer than three minutes, anyway. I believe this to be a false statement, and I have proof to defend myself as well: my attention span for scrolling through Facebook is unending, and I can while away quite a time on Pinterest, when given the opportunity. So you see.

But goats.

So I watched this video. And sure enough, these goats yell like humans, which was highly entertaining, but this youtube clip is more than three minutes long and goats aren’t Facebook, I lasted 47 seconds before moving on with my life.

But we’re learning about short-term memory and long-term memory and how events pass from one to the other, and I must have encoded goats properly because I got into bed to write this post and thoughts of Paris lead to pictures of Paris and look what I remembered! The closest I have ever come to kissing a goat. And I really was thinking about it, too.
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In other news which has nothing to do with goats, Paris, or The Roommate, which I suppose fits neatly under the category of Evidence for The Mother’s Argument Against My Attention Span and For My Literary ADD, our dear friends of many, many years are in China at this moment, finalizing the adoption of their baby girl. I have subjected too many people to my exclamations of excitement over this whole event, because:

1) I like babies.

2) I like adoption.

3) This particular child is remarkably cute, and I’ve pored over every picture the family has posted on any social media I can get my hands on. Truly. I’ve never checked Instagram so frequently in my life. But heaven forbid a new picture of Madeleine or her sister Miranda appear on Instagram and I not become immediately aware of it.

Also, such social media stalking fits well into my schedule because I only ever do anything in increments of 2.7 minutes. So I’ve got time.

But adoption. Oh man, I tell ya. I found myself mildly in trouble for my bold statement last week that I was going to marry a Spanish-speaking man. Indeed I was rather assertive in that claim, especially since the ins and outs of my (utterly nonexistent) romantic life hardly ever appear here. But I figured at the very least, when I marry a completely non-Spanish man, you can return to that post and laugh and shake your head at my folly, and then my boldness will have served at least to entertain you. So that’s a plus.

I wrote about this hypothetical man once, and I’m writing about him again, right here, right now, to say that the man I marry must by necessity have an open mind and heart towards adoption because Hello! There are children out there without families! Children without what they need to survive! Adoption is a huge deal people- just ask my sisters.

It would appear that we’ve moved from goats to adoption to future husbands, and I’ve really no good way to end this post, other than presenting you with this, our very own Awkward Family Photo, taken during the same Not-Goat-Kissing trip to Paris in 2011.
awkwardfamily

~Natalia

Pool Mornings

It was only two mornings spent on the pool deck with these small athletes. Nothing out of the ordinary, really; we have meets that last much longer all the time, and I’ve spent many more consecutive hours at that particular pool. But these two morning felt settled, felt like routine, and there must have been something significant about them because I’ve spent the rest of the day missing it all, just a little bit.

My guys, there’s eight of them this weekend. Four little girls and four little men. They’re all on one end, one little section, of these cold metal bleachers, and they’re all sitting in the same seats, too. The littlest girl and the smallest boy, they sit in the front. I suppose that’s good because small people are easier to walk past, in this narrow passage between seats and pool. They’re sitting there because their backpacks are there, but they’re really not sitting at all. They stand and they watch and they cheer and they jump, but they do very little sitting.

The girl, she’s a doll, but I’d say that about all these children, wouldn’t I? Deep, bright, baby blue eyes, and blonde hair, too. But you can’t see that because she asked me to put her swim cap on at 9 in the morning, and she’s not taken it off. She’s lost two teeth, the bottom two teeth, and they’ve grown back in white and jagged- the natural bumps on new adult teeth not yet worn down. I know her teeth because I see them frequently because this sweet, tiny bundle of energy, she smiles. She smiles sitting, she smiles standing. She grins and she glows and she’s so small, I picked her up off the diving block and set her down gentle on the pool deck; she dives better from there, anyway.

The little guy next to her, well, he’s the talking one. Eight years old, I’ve folded his clothes a million times these two days because little boys loose things frequently and it makes me feel motherly to fold his t-shirt, fold his towel, and put them back in his backpack all over again. Life is an adventure no matter how old you are, but it’s especially exciting when you’re in second grade, and I could write a small book about the things this tiny young man’s related to me these past months. Today I’ve heard about the Auto Show and his sister’s ice skating and the time he found out he was on the team. He’s told me about his new swim suit and how he’s going to rinse his goggles free of chlorine and it makes me smile to hear his little voice go.

The one on the end, she’s been around awhile. I’ve seen her grow up just a bit, and she’s almost nine, and I sat on the bleachers because the other two had gone and she stood right there in front and I said proud. I say it because we’re supposed to, and I hope it feels good to hear, but I say it too because they gave an award for the most points scored and you know which little girl won? This one, my girl did. I would have been proud anyway, though. She’s moving up, because children grow up and little ones move on, and I asked another boy, he’s also moving up, if that’s a good or bad thing.

What’s a good thing? He asked- little boys sometimes are rather distracted.

That you won’t see me anymore! It’s not exactly true, though, because their new lanes are beside mine, and their coaches laugh with me in the five feet that separate us, and I’ll see him every day. But he’s not in my group anymore. My kid? Always, they’re all always my little athletes. But they’re growing up and it makes me proud.

But this kid shakes his head and grins a grin that I know, because he knows, too. Sad thing! He exclaims. And I know that it’s been a good time, good meet, good season for them, too.

~Natalia

Didn’t Miss Everything

I coached a swim meet this evening.

Rather a frequent occurrence, although weekday competitions are less common.

Four coaches, 80 athletes, three hours,

it was a fast-paced event.

And that’s good- I’m glad is was well-run,

and that we weren’t dawdling around,

waiting to hurry up and wait some more.

But I didn’t sit down until the end

also means

I wasn’t in the same place very long

also means

I didn’t get to spend much time

with the kiddos tonight.

I saw them, yes. And we communicated, of course. But my words to them were mostly shouted above the general noise of 25 littles gathered around, and it’s hard to make eye contact when they’re all wearing goggles.

I saw them and I spoke with them, but even conversation one on one is short when another of my guys is in the next race, and I barely have time to bend down eye level and offer a high-five and a smile before I’ve straightened my back and am yelling at the next one to put his goggles on and get on the block.

I liked tonight’s short timeline, but the tradeoff was time with little athletes I love interacting with, and I rather like that time.

There were no long breaks, and the usual games and jokes and conversations that characterize time with swimmers and time with other coaches were in short supply tonight: we just didn’t have time. But I was still there, and I still worked and watched and cheered and taught, and I didn’t miss everything.

I didn’t miss little girl, eight years old, she’s still just a little unsure. I can wait behind the blocks with her the first time, but second race is trickier because I need to be elsewhere, so I’ll send a 10-year-old sub instead. And older child is wonderful, and she knows what she’s doing, and she’s holding the younger one’s hand, and she gets her on the block right when she’s supposed to, and I’m so proud of both of them. I’m back and forth up the pool deck, but I’m still watching the child and my little assistant coach, and my heart catches and swells to see that the helper didn’t leave when the child dove in, which I had rather assumed she would.

She cheered and she yelled, and she collected her charge at the end of the pool. She high-fived and she smiled, and the pair appeared in front of me, grinning both. And I congratulate the little, and thank the big, and they’re both done, I think.

But helping hands and gentle, compassionate hearts aren’t finished yet, and this older child, she’s still working, working. She helps younger find backpack, boots, coat, and they hunt up and down, searching for a Hello Kitty towel gone missing. And finally, possessions are claimed and home beckons, and the little hugs the bigger, and it grabs my attention even more because two children just barely introduced, support so well, care so free.

And I was busy, quick at the meet tonight, but I didn’t miss everything.

~Natalia

Why Kids are Great

A non-exhaustive list
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• They tell stories that begin with how they go-ed (went) somewhere, and then had-ed (had) to do somefing.

• They memorize things like movie lines, resulting in an entire afternoon spent telling you that you have saved their lives, and they are eternally grateful.

• They’re small and generally easy to contain:
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• They don’t know any better when you hand them a lemon and say “try this”.

• They have faith. Really.

• They are honest about their feelings: kidsaregreat2

• They are unaware that it is generally taboo to pat your face affectionately while saying, “chubby cheeks”.

• The play hard, love kind, and make us smile every day.

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~Natalia

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